With the changing of the seasons, plenty of you are probably thinking about dropping those latex rubbers for an all-natural alternative. Kale condoms are a healthier, antioxidant-rich contraceptive that have become increasingly popular with trend-savvy millennials and it’s easier to make the switch than you think.
Here are 7 tips to get you started:
1. Wash your kale. Your dick may be dirty, but your kale should be clean. Take this opportunity to also wash your dick.
2. Compress kale into an impermeable surface. Uncompressed kale—the kind you’d find at Whole Foods—contains thousand of microscopic holes that make it poorly suited as a condom. Kale can be easily compressed using a high-pressure industrial food compactor or a food-safe bench vise.
3. Place your dick in a prophylactic mold. One of the biggest benefits of kale condoms is they can be customized to the contours of your dick. When wrapping the kale, try to avoid making a large crease, which makes it easier for the condom to unravel during intercourse.
4. Look out for kale mites. Nothing puts an end to sexy time faster than a dick full of kale mites. Kale mites are a hardy parasite that can survive washing and compression, so keep your eyes open and listen for their characteristic hum.
5. Check with your doctor for allergies. Even if you have no trouble eating kale, some people have an allergic reaction when the vegetable is placed on their dick. The simple blood test is covered under Obamacare and also checks for kale mite poisoning.
6. Place regular condom over your kale condom. Kale on its own is too fragile to withstand a session of vigorous lovemaking. While normal condoms can’t be “doubled-up”, the kale condom + latex condom combination provides the best of all worlds in terms of comfort, nutrition, and durability.
7. No beet stain. Congrats, you’ve used your first kale condom! Even better, it didn’t leave the vibrant red dick stain that’s common with beet-based condoms. Any pale green discoloration from kale condoms will wash out easily with water and vinegar.
That’s all you need to get started! Now head to your local grocery store’s produce section, pick out some kale and get washin’. And then put your dick in it!