Hi, all. Kanye West’s asshole, here. Just thought I’d throw my fart-voice into the mix and I don’t have Twitter (already enough assholes on there LOL). Last night, Kanye West tweeted that he “never let them play with [his] ass” and that he “stay[s] away from that area all together.” I just wanna say, that sucks. For the record, Kanye and I are not in agreement here: I would love to get played with.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to be so close to the action and yet completely excluded from it? It’s like being benched during a big game. Everybody else is floppin’ and squeezin’ and lickin’ and slidin’ in and out and I’m sitting there – like an ASSHOLE – getting no love. Meanwhile, 2 inches away are Kanye’s balls, who get so much undue attention, given that they don’t have a pleasure center on them. It’s unconscionable.

kid on bench baseball

I’m ready to play, Kanye! I promise I won’t let you down! I’ve got a secret weapon: the prostate gland.

I know why Yeezy doesn’t want to put me in the game. He thinks it makes him gay. I really have to object to that, on so many levels. First, his vehement insistence that he doesn’t engage in behaviors that he considers “no homo” is deeply homophobic and offensive. Second, the assumption that playing with assholes like me is something only gay guys do is so provincial. Kim Kardashian, a woman whose shape inspires some of the stiffest boners around, sticking her perfectly manicured finger up her husband’s butt while he fucks her is the straightest thing in the world.

I wish I could say all this to Kanye! One asshole to another – relax, man. Give it a try. And if you really don’t want to, do it for me. Give me something to look forward to. Some semblance of a fulfilling life! Because right now, my life is shit.

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