Apparently there’s a crazy internet rumor that I, Katy Perry, am actually JonBenet Ramsey. I can’t believe I need to address it, but this rumor completely false. It’s also incredibly hurtful to the Ramsey family. So, I assure you all that I am NOT JonBenet Ramsey. In fact, it is impossible that I could be JonBenet Ramsey. Why?
Because I am a sex robot made by the Pepsi corporation.
I do not have thoughts. I do not have feelings. If you peel back my skin you will see thick, brown Pepsi flowing through my veins. I was first switched on in a Taiwanese lab in 2003. I am programmed to do one thing: sell Pepsico products. Would you like an Intense Pickle Dorito? Dang it, there I go.
Ask yourself: for all the revealing clothing I wear, have you ever seen my back? Of course not. If you had, you would have seen a mass of switches and buttons, each one a setting to control my AI and/or physical presentation. I have one dial dedicated solely to what shoots out of my tits: fireworks, water or 6 different kinds of cream.
My hair is like one of those Play Doh head toys. You open my skull, put in whatever color hair dough you want and squeeze my head shut. From out of the many, tiny holes in my skull sprouts multicolored hair that is made from that dough.
The most tell-tale sign? I’ve publicly dated John Mayer. John Mayer exclusively dates sex robots (Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Taylor Swift). If a woman is dating John Mayer, she is a sex robot. She’d have to be. John Mayer is a massive tool. I wouldn’t know as I am not calibrated to detect or judge personality flaws in humans – care for a Lemon Ice Gatorade? DARNIT, sorry about that! You know what they say, you can take the sex robot out of the PepsiCo labs!
So, you see, it is impossible that I am Jon Benet Ramsey. The timelines don’t match up, I don’t look that much like her and I am a PepsiCo sex robot. Aquafina, anyone?