Pamela! Holy shit girl, what’s good? I saw you on Instagram this morning, looking fine as hell. Also heard you finally shook that Hepatitis you got 16 years ago from sharing a tattoo needle with Tommy Lee, good stuff, good stuff. I guess everybody’s gotta clean up sometime, right?
Umm, how about HELL naw! Not when you’re an American badass like me. Here’s what’s up: my name is Kiiiiiiiid… Kid Rock, your ex-husband. And while I’m not sure if I’ve got Hepatitis or any number of other venereal diseases, girl? I can’t imagine anybody I’d rather get Hepatitis with than a ten like you. I want you back, Pammy. Let’s get Hepatitis all over again- and this time, let’s do it together.
Straight up, I know you’re on that goodie goodie tip now, doing that shit with PETA, not getting arrested on the reg, getting your Hepatitis cured- and I think that’s sexy as hell. How about standing up for the ethical treatment of the dirty dog who still wants your body after all these years?
Just last week I was chilling with Uncle Kracker at Detroit’s Greektown Casino-Hotel (maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s the largest poker room in Detroit) and he was like “Yo Rock, did you like doing it with Pamela Anderson?” and I was like “Kracker, what the hell do YOU think?” and we started laughing so hard I accidentally took a sip of a beer that I’d put a cigarette out in. It was a funny joke to both of us because there’s just no question of who remains the bone lord of Detroit: me. ’Cause I’m a cowboy, baby- just like the second single off my breakthrough 1999 album, Devil Without a Cause.
I miss the feeling of my weird little mustache on your skin, and I know you do too, Pammy. Sometimes late at night I get to wondering what life would be like if we never got that divorce, but then I roll a fat one and remember that wondering about shit is queer as hell.
I’ll be straight with you: the day I found you had Hepatitis C was bad. Almost as bad as the time that Scott Stapp lost the homemade porno he and I had filmed in my motor home and some guy tried to sell it without even giving us a cut. Hep C can cause cirrhosis and liver cancer, and there’s no FDA-approved vaccine available.
But, straight up, even if there were a vaccine available for Hepatitis C, I don’t know if I would even get that shit. Rock is all about that Hep life, so long as it’s a life I get to share with you. Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie said I want you back, baby. You and me, under my velvet painting of Joe C. Let’s get hepatitis all over again- for the very first time.