Pamela! Holy shit girl, what’s good? I saw you on Instagram this morning, looking fine as hell. Also heard you finally shook that Hepatitis you got 16 years ago from sharing a tattoo needle with Tommy Lee, good stuff, good stuff. I guess everybody’s gotta clean up sometime, right?

Umm, how about HELL naw! Not when you’re an American badass like me. Here’s what’s up: my name is Kiiiiiiiid… Kid Rock, your ex-husband. And while I’m not sure if I’ve got Hepatitis or any number of other venereal diseases, girl? I can’t imagine anybody I’d rather get Hepatitis with than a ten like you. I want you back, Pammy. Let’s get Hepatitis all over again- and this time, let’s do it together.

Straight up, I know you’re on that goodie goodie tip now, doing that shit with PETA, not getting arrested on the reg, getting your Hepatitis cured- and I think that’s sexy as hell. How about standing up for the ethical treatment of the dirty dog who still wants your body after all these years?


You’re missing out on all this.

Just last week I was chilling with Uncle Kracker at Detroit’s Greektown Casino-Hotel (maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s the largest poker room in Detroit) and he was like “Yo Rock, did you like doing it with Pamela Anderson?” and I was like “Kracker, what the hell do YOU think?” and we started laughing so hard I accidentally took a sip of a beer that I’d put a cigarette out in. It was a funny joke to both of us because there’s just no question of who remains the bone lord of Detroit: me. ’Cause I’m a cowboy, baby- just like the second single off my breakthrough 1999 album, Devil Without a Cause.

I miss the feeling of my weird little mustache on your skin, and I know you do too, Pammy. Sometimes late at night I get to wondering what life would be like if we never got that divorce, but then I roll a fat one and remember that wondering about shit is queer as hell.

I’ll be straight with you: the day I found you had Hepatitis C was bad. Almost as bad as the time that Scott Stapp lost the homemade porno he and I had filmed in my motor home and some guy tried to sell it without even giving us a cut. Hep C can cause cirrhosis and liver cancer, and there’s no FDA-approved vaccine available.

But, straight up, even if there were a vaccine available for Hepatitis C, I don’t know if I would even get that shit. Rock is all about that Hep life, so long as it’s a life I get to share with you. Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie said I want you back, baby. You and me, under my velvet painting of Joe C. Let’s get hepatitis all over again- for the very first time.

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