In preparation for his performance at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio this week, conservative musician Kid Rock has been up “literally all damn night” teaching himself how to play Richard Wagner’s iconic “Ride of the Valkyries” on his Sears guitar.

“You know The Kid is gonna give that classical shit a cowboy twist, haha,” Mr. Rock announced to the overnight desk clerk at the Motel 6 where he is staying for the convention. “I’m gonna make it better, like I did with those Skynard and Zevon songs. I’mma get up on that B like diggy diggy diggy shake the boogie said up-jump the boogie!”


Lighting a USA Gold menthol and completely failing to notice that the desk clerk had walked into the back room and could no longer hear him, Kid continued, “Hillary Clinton is a joke.”

Kid Rock was last seen sitting in the Motel 6 parking lot at sunrise, Googling “Ride of the Valkyries lyrics.”

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