2014: Force employees to say “Happy Holidays” instead of the traditional “Merry Christmas.”
2015: Replace Christmas-themed signage and decorations with less-overtly-Christmas-themed signage and decorations.
2016: Round up and kill all Christians.
2017: Dramatically scale back holiday promotions after the previous year’s Christian genocide eradicate 71% of all Americans and thus 71% of potential shoppers.
2018: To entice remaining shoppers, introduce a new “holiday mascot.”
CURRENT THOUGHTS, RE: MASCOT
To counter the “Winter Blahs,” how about a smiling, long-haired, beachgoer-type in sandals?
Mexican name to court Latino shoppers? Juan? Jose?
We can be light on the backstory, but the new mascot should have a detailed belief system for fans who want to “dive in.”
2019: Spread awareness of the new holiday mascot using non-traditional, viral techniques like paying “influencers” to “preach” the new mascot’s forgiveness/positivity message and to hand out free spin-off books.
2020: Set up thousands of pop-up “event spaces” where nothing is for sale–think interactive community centers that allow fans to meet up, discuss the new holiday mascot, and perform charity in his name.
2021: Appeal to the overwhelming number of Americans who now identify as followers of the new holiday mascot by referencing him and his traditions in our holiday advertisements.
2022: Refuse to acknowledge the beliefs of our new largest customer base just to make them angry.
2023: Round up and kill everyone who believes in the new holiday mascot. Start the whole process again.
CURRENT THOUGHTS, RE: NEWER MASCOT
Activate a rugged but sophisticated demo; maybe new mascots live on a mountain in Europe?
Are their squabbles responsible for lightning, seasons changing? Can’t wait to profit off of disrespecting and killing everyone who believes in them!