2014: Force employees to say “Happy Holidays” instead of the traditional “Merry Christmas.”

2015: Replace Christmas-themed signage and decorations with less-overtly-Christmas-themed signage and decorations.

2016: Round up and kill all Christians.

2017: Dramatically scale back holiday promotions after the previous year’s Christian genocide eradicate 71% of all Americans and thus 71% of potential shoppers.

2018: To entice remaining shoppers, introduce a new “holiday mascot.”

CURRENT THOUGHTS, RE: MASCOT

 To counter the “Winter Blahs,” how about a smiling, long-haired, beachgoer-type in sandals?

Mexican name to court Latino shoppers? Juan? Jose?

We can be light on the backstory, but the new mascot should have a detailed belief system for fans who want to “dive in.”

New Christmas Mascot Inline

2019: Spread awareness of the new holiday mascot using non-traditional, viral techniques like paying “influencers” to “preach” the new mascot’s forgiveness/positivity message and to hand out free spin-off books.


2020: Set up thousands of pop-up “event spaces” where nothing is for sale–think interactive community centers that allow fans to meet up, discuss the new holiday mascot, and perform charity in his name.

2021: Appeal to the overwhelming number of Americans who now identify as followers of the new holiday mascot by referencing him and his traditions in our holiday advertisements.

2022: Refuse to acknowledge the beliefs of our new largest customer base just to make them angry.

2023: Round up and kill everyone who believes in the new holiday mascot. Start the whole process again.

CURRENT THOUGHTS, RE: NEWER MASCOT

SEVERAL gods???

Activate a rugged but sophisticated demo; maybe new mascots live on a mountain in Europe?

Are their squabbles responsible for lightning, seasons changing? Can’t wait to profit off of disrespecting and killing everyone who believes in them!

 


Sam Weiner is a contributor to NPR’s Marketplace, and the co-author of the book, How to Win at Everything. Find Sam on Twitter at @Sam_Weiner.

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