We’re in the waning days of autumn, which means that the only thing we have going for us right now, Pumpkin Spice season, is almost over. This time of year brings with it flavored coffees, beers, candies and a month-long belief in the existence of god. But put down the shotgun: the changing of the calendar doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye to our favorite flavor. Here are some handy tips to pumpkin spice up your life year round (special thanks to the Spice Girls for the pun assist!).
The first step, in which you quit your job, is the hardest but it’s going pay off big time when it’s the middle of June outside and October in your mouth. Once you’ve shed your current place of employment, all you have to do is get a job at your local Starbucks, earn everyone’s trust in the branch, and work your way up the ladder, eventually becoming one of the two baristas staffed at every location who know the secret formula for Pumpkin Spice. And here’s the best part! Once you’ve gained The Ultimate Knowledge, you have the perfect bargaining chip to convince your old boss to hire you back. It’s the perfect grift!
Stock Up NOW
Okay, this method seems pretty obvious, but you’re the one that Googled “pumpkin spice forever???” We are currently living in peak Pumpkin Spice. Get whatever you can find on the shelves, throw it in your freezer, then learn how to can and get to vacuum sealing. If one box of pumpkin spice coffee pods lasts the average coffee drinker a week, just do the math. Then realize you’re wasting time with calculations and drive to every Starbucks you can find and get whatever you can. You’ll have eleven other months to worry about saving money, but now is the time to invest in the only thing in life that can provide you with happiness. Remember: expiration dates apply only to food items. We’re only interested in artificial flavors here, so age ain’t nothing but a number.
Reinvent the Wheel
Let’s face it: Pumpkin Spice doesn’t taste like pumpkins. We all wish you could bite into a jack o’lantern like a giant apple and enjoy that sweet, sweet flavor, but no matter how many times you try, it’s not going to happen. So, why not devote the remainder of your year to attempting to crack the code? Reverse engineer this thing in your own kitchen. Become the autumnal Beautiful Mind guy. Again, you will have to quit your job, but hey! Gandhi didn’t have a job either. (He would also forgo eating to help further his cause. Just a suggestion.) This is going to take some next-level research and testing, but you’ll be doing us all a great service. If I were to suggest a flavor starting point, I might say champagne mixed with half a Viagra.
Sleep until next fall. You’re not going to miss anything.
Taste Bud Replacement Surgery
Expensive? Yes. Invasive? Incredibly. But worth it? Brother, you’d better believe it. Developed by a team of doctors in Austria, this surgery makes everything that touches your tongue taste like the flavor of your choice. You get where I’m going with this: Pumpkin Spice! Suddenly anything you could put in your mouth would taste like fall’s signature flavor! Pizza, booze, fruit that’s just starting to go bad, saliva, poison, everything! One in every five people who has received this surgery has experienced some side effects, such as only being able to taste metal, or in some cases, being able to taste everything but pumpkin spice, but what’s life without risks?
The clock is ticking, and once it strikes midnight our pumpkin is going to turn back into a carriage. Try these lifehacks out, and you’ll be able to enjoy that fall flavor whether you’re on the beach, shoveling your driveway, or doing something that you can only do in spring.
And if you do happen to crack the secret formula for Pumpkin Spice, please don’t hesitate to wake me from my hibernation.