Hello, it’s me, Jamie Lee! I’ve been trapped in this body for 13 years! I’ve been trying to pin down Lindsay Lohan for years, but once she got a taste for the Activia lifestyle, she said she “couldn’t go back.” So here I am, the soul of a 57 year-old woman stuck inside “America’s Sweetheart Gone Sour” waiting for the day that I can finally feel the short strands of the sheared gray mop I call my hair.
Have you ever wondered why LiLo’s life went so downhill after we both sucked face with Chad Michael Murray? Well after Freaky Friday wrapped, we went back to Pei-Pei’s Chinese Restaurant to officially switch back but it was closed. I asked Lindsay if we could come back the next day and just as I went to make a reservation, she was off running. I followed her down an alley, but she was too quick. I couldn’t even get her to stop to try to slam my body directly into hers! So, after a few weeks in the body of the teen starlet, I figured there’d be only one way to grab her attention: ruin her life.
Remember Lindsay’s “music career?”
Three failed albums and no email asking to re-inhabit her corpse.
Seven different arrests AND five stints in rehab?
Not a single phone call!
Liz and Dick! LIZ AND DICK!!
That should have at least gotten a concerned text.
But I got nothing. Lindsay continued to be happily married to my husband Lord Christopher Haden-Guest and act in movies like Christmas with the Kranks, while I sat by the phone and waited for it to ring.
Well, I’m done waiting. I’m ready to pull out all the stops. I am making you, Lindsay Lohan, publicly speak out against Brexit. That’s right, I live tweeted and poorly Instagrammed the entire referendum. Sure, your only background with British economics is when you played a cute British twin in The Parent Trap, but who cares! I wanted to make the message loud and clear: If Britain can vote to leave the UK, I can vote to leave your body. I will hashtag #besmart until my thumbs bleed. I don’t even care that the votes have been cast, I will continue to write half-ass complaints about the global market until you come to your senses. Please, Lindsay, let us switch back. I don’t want my body to be subjected to Scream Queens season 2 just as much as you don’t want yours to be the new Labour Leader.
Jess Zeidman is a comedy writer and intern at Above Average. When she’s not untangling her headphones, she tweets at jzeidz