This morning, as I rolled off my cat hair-covered mattress, slipped on my Jungle Moc Merrell Sandals and warmed up some lactose-free tapioca and Froot Loops for breakfast, it crossed my mind that people might wonder what the stains on the front of my tan cargo pants are from. I just want to let everyone know that those stains are from pee. My pee.

I’m sure I could say that those stains are just about anything – falafel grease, lubricant from a ball bearing, even water. Water would certainly be the most benign explanation for a splattering of moisture all over the front of a grown man’s pants. But see, I don’t see anything wrong with those stains being pee, so I’m happy to tell you all that that’s what they are. I also use toothpaste as deodorant. What do I use as toothpaste? Come on, guy.

How did I get pee all over the front of my pants? Well, a few years ago, around the time that I decided never to buy footwear that required me to bend over or use my hands, I also decided not to worry about shaking my dick off after I pee. It was just taking too much out of me. So now, as soon as my urine stream comes to a relative (but not necessarily complete) stop, I just tuck back in and let the front of my pants do the work. Easy pee-sy.

Anyway, I’ve got to run – I have a Tinder date and I want to get there early so I can drink some extra tap water. I think I’ll order tuna fish because warm mayonnaise gives me an erection. FeelTheBern!

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