When I dress for a party I always think about how I’ll appear to the other guests  – making a good impression is important to me. So when I was getting ready for tonight’s soirée I thought, what can I wear that will make the outline, and thus, shape of my penis inescapably apparent to everyone? The answer of course, was white linen pants.

White linen pants are thin enough to hug every curve on my penis, no matter how small, and the white color makes my penis outline very bright, so it’s hard for anyone to ignore. I’m really blinding people with my bright, white, shining, bouncing penis head. It’s quite striking. The white linen pants that I’ve chosen also have a drawstring opening, which means they sit low on my abdomen and cling to my penis so that no matter what position I’m standing in, it’s clear where my penis is at all times.

White linen pants are easy to dress up or down, depending on the kind of event you’re attending. Summer wedding? Pair white linen pants with an elegant linen jacket and put your penis on display for the ceremony, reception and the after party. Casual gathering with friends? How many of them know, I mean really know, what shape your penis is? Throw on a white v-neck, a pair of loose-fitting white linen pants and by the end of the night, your friends will be able to draw your penis from memory.

Maybe you’re wondering, “Why would I want to show everyone the outline of my genitals? Isn’t that sort of graphic and almost inconsiderate since no one asked to see the thing I pee out of?” Well, they may not have asked but, believe me, they want to see it. By flopping your flaccid penis around the hors d’oeuvres table,  you’re lighting up everyone’s night and giving them an image that they’ll cherish for the rest of their lives.

There is truly no situation that isn’t improved with a pair of penis-highlighting white linen pants. Yoga on the beach, using a sunset-cruise Groupon, hovering over the host of a dinner party and continually suggesting that she add cumin to things. It’s all good stuff.

Oh, and don’t forget to wear a pair of dark bikini briefs.

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