Hello, my name is Manny Pacquiao. When I was 12, I was punched in the head very hard. To retaliate, I punched that person in the head very hard. I thought to myself, “I love to be punched in the head and to punch others in the head.” I’ve spent my entire life getting punched in the head and then punching other people in their heads. Now I would like for you to listen to my opinions on sexuality.

First: I believe that people in gay relationships are “worse than animals.” That’s because even animals would never be gay, despite what all those gay dolphins think. The Bible backs me up on this opinion. I know the Bible very well because I have read the Bible many times.

I have read the Bible many times because I often read words and then immediately forget what I read. This is a result of being punched in the head so, so many times. I also forget things when I am cooking, driving and.

salad shaker

This is my brain now.

See, when you are punched in the head, your brain splish-splashes around like a McDonald’s salad shaker. And that’s good because then the dressing gets on eeeeevery leaf, right, Manny? Right. But I don’t want you to think this makes my opinions any less valid. If anything it makes them MORE valid because I.


Anyway, what was I saying? Or doing? WHERE AM I? WHY IS THIS MACHINE GLOWING AT ME.Serw98f]f2345h(@#(.

Sorry, I just punched my computer in the head. Now he has opinions too, haha. Just kidding computers believe what we TELL THEM TO BELIEVE. Speaking of believing things, here are more things I believe:

  • The sun is NOT in charge of me.
  • Jesus rode a dinosaur to work.
  • The Illuminati poisoned Chipotle.
  • There are only 10 people total on Earth, everyone else is a hologram.
  • Seltzer is just a sneeze in a can.

That’s it! Thanks for listening to all of my valid, substantiated opinions. And remember to vote for me because I really am running for Senate in the Philippines!

 

Images via The Guardian, Pinterest

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