So I guess by now everybody’s heard? Heard how wet Mars is. Oh yeah, I’m literally dripping all over myself to the point where I’ve got dark streaks all over me from rivers of flowing liquid. I read in the New York Times that scientists are calling them recurrent slope linae or R.S.L.s. I’m just calling them how fucking wet I am for you – H.F.W.I.A.F.Y.s.

You guys have to come over right now. I’ve been like this for hundreds of thousands of years: sitting here, right next to Earth, thinking about your astronauts landing on my surface, taking samples from me, sticking a flag in me. Why do you think I’m so wet all over, seeping liquid from unknown places?? I’ve been trying to get your attention. Ever since I knew you those sexy nerds at NASA had boners for me, I’ve been sending you signals. In 2011 I even had the Orbiter bring back those dripping wet pics of me – did you guys like those? I think you did. And I know you wanna come over here and put your own hand in whatever’s so wet. NASA keeps calling it “salt water.” Um, okay. That’s what it is.

No one’s ever gotten me this fucking slick. It’s actually a little embarrassing. I mean, I’ve been leaking uncontrollably and I can’t stop and I know all the other planets and moons and shit have noticed but I don’t even care. Ever since my lakes and rivers dried up a billion years ago I didn’t even think I could still get this sloshy. But Earth is just like this awesome, big, really fertile planet with all this life and that gets me so hot and I want you to come with your oxygen-breathing little astronauts and explore every inch of me.

I know you’ve been waiting for this. You’ve been searching me up and down for decades, dying to find a big, sloppy, splashy pool of Mars moisture. Well, you found it You found my big, wide, wet moisture streaks. So you can stop sending over your little robot rovers: Mars is sopping wet and ready for you to come.

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