Yesterday the House in Massachusetts passed a bill to expand rights for transgender people. One of the bill’s protections would allow people to use the bathrooms or locker rooms associated with their gender identity. The bill’s passage was relatively smooth in spite of Massachusetts’ being chronically plagued by the huge, bigoted Boston inside it.
Massachusetts has been living with a Boston on its eastern border for hundreds of years, which other states would no doubt find too objectionable to continue existing. “Whenever we, as a state, want to make progress or be respectful of diverse people or just generally not be dicks, we always have to stop and think, ‘Ugh. But Boston.’ Boston definitely makes social evolution difficult,” says Hank Murblé, a state senator’s aide.
When Wednesday’s anti-discrimination bill was passed, blood-curdling screams could be heard throughout the vomit-covered cobblestones of violently gender-normative Boston. Government workers in the state’s capital nonchalantly put in earplugs and continued their work. “When you live day in, day out with a stinking, leaking, hateful Boston in your state you just get used to it,” said a man working the register in the cafeteria.
Boston’s origins are somewhat unknown — many historians believe it metastasized from a benign beer diarrhea — but its current growth can be attributed to an alarming number of prideful Irish people who insist on reproducing and several distended white bellies full of undigested roast beef sandwiches.
In spite of the setback, Massachusetts continues to change with the times, as antithetical as that is to Boston’s existence. “Hey, if we just keep extending human rights to our citizens, maybe one day Boston will just cease to exist,” says Murblé. “Now that would be a win for human rights.”