Skin. Orifice. Mole. Lump. Hair. Birthmark. Scar. Muscle. Vein. Genitals (on occasion). This is the view from “my office.” After massaging thousands of humans, I feel comfortable saying that I know what falls within a “normal range.” And guess what buddy? Your body is weird and I hate it.

On the drive here, you probably thought, “my body is completely normal, what do I have to be self-conscious about?” A lot, it turns out. That thing on your back? Yeah, I see it. It’s so fucking weird. Literally no one else I’ve massaged has something close to that. Your doctor probably told you it was “perfectly normal” — it’s not. It’s obvious to all and something anyone who sees you at a pool party talks about later.

As you took your shirt off and laid down on the table, you probably soothed yourself with the thought, “my body looks better than ever.” That may be true but I assure you, every person I’ve massaged is in better shape than you. It’s insane. Like you are totally within the “healthy” height to weight range but you’re not in good shape. You probably thought you were in better shape than most people I massage — 100% not true. You are in last place.

Also… Your feet. My God your feet. I hate that you asked me to massage your calves ‘cause they are so close to your feet which need special shoes? Right? They are pointier than normal feet and also wider and smaller. I don’t know what you did to them.

As you left you must have thought something along the lines of, “That wasn’t so bad.” For you, it wasn’t. I’m very good at my job and hiding my true thoughts. All masseuses undergo similar training to CIA agents or professional poker players, our faces will never give anything away. And the cherry on the flabby sundae? Your form of payment. Most people I massage have platinum cards. Some use hundred dollar bills but you paid with a debit card? Shit man. I’m going to need a drink as soon as I get home.

Please come again.

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