To Jackie and Andrew:
I am sending you this formal warning regarding an issue that has been brought to my attention. Several of your colleagues have complained to me that the two of you have what they describe as “distracting, animal chemistry.” Now, no one has accused you of anything that goes directly against our sexual harassment policy. But the lingering eye contact, sly smiles and innuendos are making everyone deeply uncomfortable.
Specific complaints include riding the elevator up and down together “just talking,” closing down the bar after every company happy hour and making eye contact with each other when addressing other people at meetings. One colleague said that, “Sitting between Jackie and Andrew at a meeting makes me feel like I’m cheating on my wife and I’m not even doing anything.”
You have been overheard saying “We’re like our office’s Jim and Pam.” But what you engage in is so much more… raw. Jim and Pam at least tried to hide their attraction. The furthest they went was sharing a grilled cheese sandwich. The two of you parade your lust in ways that defy all decency. Again, there’s no rule against getting a G-chat, giggling, making eye contact with each other and then furiously replying while you bite your lip. I can’t do anything about that except to say we all know. We all see. Please stop.
You have two options at this point: Consummate whatever this is like adults and report your status to me. Or go to the bathroom, splash some water on your face and figure out what it is you really want in life. Either way, get it together.