A relaxing Spring day at the old swimming hole was cut short this week when world champion swimmer Michael Phelps leapt from the water, loudly exclaiming that something in the lake had bit his penis.
“I was swimming through the lily pads like a frog when it happened,” the eleven-time Olympic gold medalist explained to concerned friends. “There aren’t any lily pads in the pools where I usually swim, so I thought it would be fun to play frog. Boy, I was wrong — big time wrong.”
Phelps refused offers of medical attention, and peeking beneath his swimming trunks himself assured his friends and other visitors to the lake that he couldn’t see any bite marks, nor was his penis bleeding. The seven-time World Swimmer of the Year Award winner then went on to explain that he was not faking, and that while he was not afraid of the lake or its slimy bottom, he would not be going back into the water.
“Maybe it was an eel or a snapper fish,” the 2008 Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year speculated, his eyes wide. “Oh boy, did anybody see anything?” According to Department of Wildlife officials, the unstocked lake’s ecosystem supports only algae and zooplankton.
The incident occurred during Phelps’ first visit to the man-made lake, though he confirmed that after the penis-bite scare he would likely not be visiting again.
“I think I’ll stick to pools, or water that I can see all the way to the bottom of” Phelps said, missing the hole three times before finally puncturing the top of his juice box. “That way I can look out for pinchers.”
Phelps, 30, remains the most decorated Olympian of all-time.