“Hello! Hello? Am I doing this right?”
It’s Mother’s Day! The one time of year, I can tell my mother’s neck folds how much I love them.
Yes, I could ask her to tilt the phone, but her way is so efficient. I can tell exactly how her mole removal went without even having to ask! This gives me more time to come up with things that are new in my life, since yesterday’s email. I quite prefer gazing into her beautiful fleshy chin skin — instead of her judgmental eyes — while I once again explain exactly what it is I’m doing with my life.
Mom’s pillowy turkey neck is the perfect backdrop for her riveting stories about: Dad’s new shoes, my 4th grade crush’s new baby, what the new neighbors are up to and the names of all their adult children I’ve never met.
If it’s anything like last year, I’ll have the pleasure of getting passed around to say hello to my Aunts’ and Grandma’s chins and necks, a glorious reminder of what I have to look forward to someday. Thank goodness for Facetime. Yes, I could just look at the framed selfie Mom sent me for my birthday. But then I would miss out on things like:
“It’s nice to see your face, but what is this lumpy peach rectangle doing in the corner of my screen?”
“That’s your gullet, Mom, and I love it very much.”
Stacey is a writrer, improviser, and standup comedian currently writing for the UCB Maude team, Hot Bird. Follow her on Twitter @staceykulow