Ah yes, hello there! You must be the head of human resources with whom I have been corresponding for the past three months. Terrific to meet you. To begin, let me assure you that the fact that all of my letters were sent from the Santa Clara County Jail was just a funny little HR joke, haha. Can you imagine if I was a jailbird? I certainly cannot.

Oh goodness, my name? My name, yes, of course. My name is Trock Burner, as indicated on my résumé.

It’s right there at the top in big, bold letters, so there’s no need for any further questions on the matter. Nor is there any need to inquire as to the authenticity of my bushy mustache, which is quite real and actually pretty close to my natural hair color if you look up close. All sorts of men grow facial hair that’s a slightly different color than the hair atop their head, so let’s have that be the end of it, okay? Okay.

As you’ll also see on my résumé, I attended the prestigious Stanford University. For how long and did I graduate? Haha, well, you’re certainly full of questions!

Speaking of which: I myself have some questions for you: does the position to which I am applying require any swimming, and is this office within 500 feet of a school zone?

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