I recently got my Chester Cheeto paws on a new Oculus Rift, lucky me I know I know. I perused the games they have but I didn’t get the Oculus Rift to explore “outer space” or “the forest” — I got it to build an alternate reality where I had a perfect wife.

So I opened up the development platform and put in my parameters; beautiful body, extra hot face, silky hair that smells like Tropical Fruit Head & Shoulders and strong hands like my mom. Exactly the kind of woman I could never get in real life but wanted so badly to have virtual porn sex with and occasionally talk to.

We had an amazing 36 hours (of me jerking off), but after all that I wondered, is this all the Oculus Rift can do? I thought it was supposed to revolutionize the world? Frustrated, I opened up the dev platform and took a shot in the dark, “What if I made Miranda half dinosaur?”

Dinosaurs don’t exist anymore, so if Oculus was good for anything it was giving me the opportunity to experience the unknown past — as a part of my wife. But then, after minutes of wildly enjoyable sex with plenty of tail play, I realized having a VR wife can’t just be about the sex, even if it’s sex with a part-reptile. It’s about the connection.

So I went back into the dev plat and programed her to know close magic. You know, Criss Angel, David Copperfield style magic. The good stuff. She did this one trick with a card and a lighter and a nail – NO IDEA how she did it!

A hybrid creature where her head is a velociraptor and she has a tail, but the rest was a fuckable magician? That’s why we develop technology. That’s what VR is about. We’ve been together for two weeks now, and it’s safe to say I’ve found my soul mate. Sure, I have to leave her behind when my parents come over and give me one of their “what’s happened to you” talks, but otherwise, we’re always together.

The Oculus Rift will only give you back what you put in, but for this reviewer 4/5 stars.


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