Wassup fellow hot mamas, here’s the deal. I just went through a doozy of a break-up and was feeling real lost in life, so I cracked open the book “Eat, Pray, Love” to figure out what to do. Gotta be honest, I don’t know why these other women are eating this shit up with a spoon. And I’m here to tell you that this chick got it all wrong, but I have it right. Here’s what’s up:
If you want to feel in control of your own body again, being regular is the number one best. Your body feels great 100% of the time, and it finally feels like YOU are in control of your daily sched. How? Eat a balanced diet and follow a regular routine. But if you’re like me and that sounds lame, just go straight for the Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt. That stuff works like a damn shit alarm clock. Regularity is the real key to inner womanity that makes you feel like you live in a Will Smith music video.
Now that you’re single, you can do anything you want with yourself, and that includes your feet. And y’all know you can put your feet ON WHEELS? Well hell yeah you can! There’s no clearer way to see your truest path then whizzing around town on a thin line of wheels. Rollerblades are awesome. And they’re 100% the best way to reinvent even the most boring part of your life — just getting from point A to point wine bar on a Wednesday evening with the gals.
Call Gary For Sex
Gary is okay to medium at sex, but the real good part is that he wants it real bad so he’ll show up wherever, whenever for some straight up boinkin’. He likes smushin privates with our top halves still clothed, which at this point is even steamier for me just cause it’s new. Plus, it takes me less time to get dressed and back into my rollerblades. Ladies, I’m basically yelling it from the roof tops: no better way to get back on top than sesh after sesh of sex. So find your own Gary, or it’s totally fine to just take my Gary as well.
For some reason, Penguin wouldn’t publish this memoir nor will Julia Roberts text me back, but who cares because I just got a half-promotion and a new bowl of fake fruit, haters!
Gwynna Forgham-Thrift is a writer and comedian based in New York City. She writes for UCB’s Maude Night and Reductress, runs the tri-annual one hour Penn Station Area Sketch Festival with the Hubbies, and tweets at @gwynnaft.