As Americans honor the victory of Mexican armed forces over their French oppressors at the Battle of Puebla this Cinco de Mayo, it is imperative that we too remember to keep our celebration tasteful. Obvious Mexican cultural signifiers like sombreros and maracas steer perilously close to racist cliché when adopted by a caucasian populous largely concerned with getting drunk on margarita specials. We must be mindful as we celebrate diversity that there may be no cultural slur more horrible than nachos made with Velveeta, which are a disgrace to people of all nations.

That shit so nasty. For real, nachos made with Velveeta are barely even nachos at that point, just chips with synthetic neon slime. Velveeta is not cheese. I don’t even know if it’s food. Nachos made with Velveeta are an insult to America, Mexico, and indeed the entire global community.

REAL Goddamn nachos with REAL Goddamn cheese.

REAL Goddamn nachos with REAL Goddamn cheese.


Let’s be clear that I’m not talking about queso here, either. Queso is fine! Love me some queso. I’m talking about that waxy, joint compound-ass Velveeta bullshit. Is there any food product (again, a qualifier I hesitate to use at all) that screams “I was made in a DuPont lab” more than Velveeta? Hell, Kraft Singles are some C-grade garbage too, but they’re some fine Frenchness in comparison to Velveeta, which literally looks like the yellow crap that a cardiologist squeezed out of some guy’s clogged artery in brick form.

This Cinco de Mayo, I implore you to help honor the rich, cultural heritages of Mexico, America, and the whole world by saying “NO” to nachos with Velveeta, and just eating good old fashioned Doritos instead. Them shits always good as hell.

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