A play-by-play of the music they probably had at Kanye and Kim’s wedding.


A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

“Once Upon a Dream” by Lana Del Rey

Following their ballpark proposal and orchestral rendition of “Young and Beautiful,” Kim dropped several passive aggressive hints about Lana Del Rey’s absence. Kanye asked Lana to perform at the reception, but after overhearing Kim tell the press that all she wants is a “fairytale wedding” he asked Lana to sing “Once Upon a Dream” from the Maleficent movie instead. Everyone starts clapping until the lights start flickering. People start shivering for seemingly no reason at all. Scott Disick is overheard telling a waitress, “I still don’t really get Lana Del Rey.” Bruce Jenner mutters to the table next to him, “Spooky!” Years later on their 25th anniversary, Kanye won’t call it a mistake but will admit that he didn’t listen to the song beforehand.

“Move On Up” by Curtis Mayfield

Time-tested wedding jam designed to gets everyone, regardless of age, on the dance floor. More than fifty percent of the wedding stills will be taken during this song.

“Pretty Girl Rock” by Keri Hilson

Kim, recalling one Paris vacation when Kanye said, “I HATE SURPRISES” decides that any man she marries will learn to love them. From the beginning, Kim has wanted to perform a song and choreographed dance routine, but the only question was which song to choose. At Kim’s bridal shower, Beyoncé had offered to help her come up with something, but in the way that the uptight chick from last night’s dinner party offers to give you her mom’s crème brulee recipe but never responds to your follow up email. Kim, an independent woman, opts for “Pretty Girl Rock” to simultaneously send a message (“don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful”) and pay tribute to Ye, who remixed it in 2010. It was also the only song Kim could easily shout out her own name, replacing “My name is Keri” with “My name is Kimmy.”

“Gold Digger” by Kanye West

The dance floor hears the opening bars. The room goes silent. Kris Jenner’s jaw drops. She does some quick mental math to figure out whether the joke is factually accurate. “Is he counting the stock options from her new fragrance?” she hisses. Suddenly Kanye exclaims, “HANH!” loosely translated in to, “Got ‘em! This song was on our Do Not Play list! Kimmel ain’t the only one with pranks!” Kanye waits for best man Jay-Z to say, “You crazy for this one!” to break the tension, but instead Jay-Z gives him a half-hearted up-nod. Things have never been the same since Jay went on tour with JT.

“Turn Down for What” by DJ Snake & Lil Jon

Kendall Jenner starts making out with the DJ. “I think he’s from Finland!” she’ll later tell US Weekly. Kylie Jenner takes control of the music and puts on “Turn Down for What.” Khloe and Kourtney sigh and roll their eyes about how they used to be the “fun sisters.” A visibly pissed Kanye stalks off the dance floor and mumbles something about checking on the Botticelli ice sculpture. He chooses not to say anything. This is his life now.

“PYT” by Michael Jackson

Everyone’s wasted. Even Kanye. No one cares. Just dance.

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