Texas senator and former presidential candidate Ted Cruz ended a months-long national nightmare on Friday when he endorsed Donald Trump, allowing millions of Americans to finally dispense with the notion that he has principles.
“Honestly, out of the all the terrible things that have happened since the primaries started, nothing was worse than being forced to consider the possibility that Ted Cruz has some sort of conscience he adheres to,” said Maryland resident Esther Kang. “Thank god that’s over now.”
In a national poll, 71 percent of respondents said that Cruz’s endorsement of Trump — the man who implied Cruz’s wife is ugly, suggested his father assassinated JFK, who Cruz himself had referred to as “utterly amoral” — “sounds about right.” Another 17 percent answered that it “makes perfect sense,” while the remaining 12 percent just answered “phew.”
“I was starting to wonder if I was going crazy, like if I was hallucinating or something,” said Washington resident Jon Xavier. “The idea that I actually agreed with Ted Cruz about something — and that it was something that Cruz himself actually really believed — was almost enough to make me give away all my possessions and go live in the woods.”
“Even if Donald Trump wins the election and the world is plunged into chaos,” said Texas resident Mackenzie Crawford, “at least we’ll always know that Ted Cruz has always been, and will always be, a spineless, gutless blight on the American political landscape. And that’s a comfort.”