I’m so excited to announce our new fall season of exciting, innovative new dramas and comedies, only one of which needs to do moderately well in order for me to make hot stacks of fucking cash.

Here are some of the shows we’re most excited about.

Banana Man Can – a workplace comedy about a talking can of bananas featuring 15 year-old Jonnie Pabbles from YouTube.
Goodbyeby – a gritty drama about one hour during which a mother loses her child in a supermarket. Each episode takes place over one minute.
Lights! Paper! Set change!  – a variety show where contestants play “rock, paper, scissors” on different sets.

All of these shows were slapped together with a bare minimum of craft and effort, resulting in over 120 hours of unwatchable garbage that we’ll supplement with celebrity guest-spots and stick in a prime time slot so that one of them can work its way under your skin like a tick and keep you mindlessly tuning in long enough for me to stuff my own asshole with hundos.

JESUS F*CK ME I’m psyched. With this menu of distinctive programming, emphasizing the kind of tired, derivative concepts you’ve come to expect from network television, I’m confident that we can make me very, very rich. Rich enough for me to buy a Formula 1 race team in Belgium. Rich enough to pay someone not just to fuck me, but to love me.

This September, some of the biggest names in television will be joining the schedule. I can’t tell you who, exactly, because to me they’re pretty interchangeable, like chips on a roulette table – throw enough of ‘em down and you’re bound to win something. Whoever they are, with that kind of talent, we’re guaranteed a broadcast year that will have viewers and critics satisfied enough for me to buy a fourth home. I really want a fourth home.

So tune in this fall, especially within that all-important “live+3 window” when those ad dollars are as big and rock hard as they can possibly get. I think it’s going to be a very exciting year for me.

Last fall did not disappoint.

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