On Monday, Tim Cook announced that the new Apple Watch will debut on April 24th with prices ranging from $350 to $17,000. The watch can gauge your heartbeat, sync with your iPhone, and comes with a daily alert that reminds you what kind of rich asshole you are. Here are the Apple Watch specs for all three rich assholes tiers:
Cheap Rich Asshole
You bought an Apple Watch, so you’re definitely a rich asshole. But this particular tier of Apple Watch reminds you that you’re a rich asshole who would rather spend less money on a lot of crummy things than spend more money on a few nice ones.
Price starts at $350.
Regular Rich Asshole
You’re rich enough to waste $549 on a steel Apple Watch, but not stupid enough to drop $10,000 on a gold Apple Watch Edition. You’re just a regular rich asshole.
Price starts at $549.
Dumb Rich Asshole
This watch is the exact same thing as the other watches, but made of solid gold. This top-tier version also includes a Stocks app that shows you how much money you could have made if you had invested that money instead of buying a watch that will obsolete in exactly one year.
Price starts at 10,000 fucking dollars, up to 17,000 fucking dollars.