An exciting new wrinkle will be added to the polls this November, allowing American voters to place their third-party candidate votes directly into government-provided trash receptacles.
“This is a great example of the government working with the American people to give them exactly what they want,” said political strategist Arn Plendt. “We used to actually count those votes, which takes valuable time and resources. Now, these voters get to make their little political statements or whatever, and we still get to focus on the two candidates who actually have a shot at winning.”
All votes for Jill Stein, Harambe, and Deez Nutz, as well as write-in votes for former candidates Bernie Sanders and John Kasich, will be automatically placed into open metal bins, along with the seven or so other wasted votes from that district.
In an inspiring gesture, the paper from these futile ballots will be recycled into ballots that can eventually be used by people who actually understand the reality in which they live, and who agree that multiple candidates is ideally a good thing, but who don’t want to waste the one shot they get every four years to help decide a crucial election on a weak political statement that will be forgotten by November 9th.