Playboy, the magazine whose explicit pictorials challenged cultural and sexual mores in the late 1950’s and beyond, has announced that it will no longer be printing images of nude women in its pages. “That battle has been fought and won,” Playboy CEO Scott Flanders told the New York Times this week, further explaining that the internet has more than met the public’s demand for salacious imagery.

Its a bold move toward maturation from the iconic publisher, and a nice try by a bunch of dumb idiots who think that removing nudity will change how I feel about their magazine. Of course it will not, because there is literally no magazine that I can’t get off to.

To presume that nudity alone could fulfill my appetite for self-pleasure is an insult not just to my perverted mind, but to your own intelligence as well. On my nightstand this moment proudly sit copies of Forbes, Woman’s Day, and Petersen’s 4-Wheel & Off-Road, each issue a passport to a garden of private sexual delights.

In Touch Weekly? More like in touch with my own genitals, daily. Cigar Aficionado? More like jerking off aficionado.


All my favorite magazines laid out just the way I like. (source: shutterstock)

Take away the naked ladies, Playboy: it doesn’t matter. You think I need to look at breasts? I’ve masturbated to every magazine from AdAge to XLR8R, and I will again. From the cold, impersonal exposition of PCWorld to the aspirational prose of Condé Nast Traveler; from the sumptuous composition of Bon Appétit to the true-life animal trivia of Ranger Rick. Each of these publications has been by my side as I’ve used both my hands and a variety of silicon toys I bought at the sex store to drive myself into a orgasmic frenzy. It has never been about mere naked women, rather the special feeling I only get when I’m near my magazines.

Yes, my parents used to own a magazine store. Try unpacking that one, Playboy.

If Playboy thinks that I need nudity in a magazine to successfully rub one out to a magazine, they’re in for a rude awakening, and I look forward to masturbating frequently to the new, nudity-free iteration of their publication for years to come. Now if if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be heading to the restroom along with this week’s issues of Real Simple, Jet, Car and Driver, Model Railroader, Kiplinger’s Personal Finance, Consumer Reports, The Advocate, Field & Stream, National Review, and Famous Monsters of Filmland.

Especially Famous Monsters of Filmland.

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