1. The Bank
Get your affairs in order! Transfer all your money to your favorite son, Deek. It’s not a lot, but he will appreciate it because he loves his Momma!
2. A Lawyer
Bequeath your extensive CD collection to your least favorite son, Kevin! You know, you haven’t seen each other in a long time, but you can be the bigger person and extend the olive branch. (Also, this way, your other better son, Deek, won’t have to deal with all the CD’s. There are so many.)
3. A Funeral Home
Plan your own funeral! Your son(s) will love that! Pick out a big coffin and a beautiful tombstone. Decide what you want it to say. Something like, off the top of my head, “Loving Mother to Deek. Mother to Kevin.”
4. Your Least Favorite Son’s “House”
If you can even call it a house! Can you believe he’s been living like this? Also, his “fiancé” is complete trash. Where did he find her? A trash dump? You try to make amends, because you’re the bigger person, but his trash fiancé intervenes. Let him know you still don’t love him. You know what, you’re better than this. Let her know she’s about to receive 17 boxes full of CDs. WHO’S THE HOARDER NOW SANDRA?? Deek would NEVER do this to you.
5. The Hospital
You should definitely stop here before you die. Have them run some tests. Maybe you don’t have to die? Maybe it’s not your time. Maybe you have more time to spend with your beautiful son, Deek.
6. The Tunnel of Love in Ukraine
WOW! Have you seen these photos? It is gorgeous! Amazing.
7. Deek’s Mansion
Now THIS is a house. Good thing he left the back door unlocked. He’s going to be so happy to see me. I mean you. “Deek? Deek?” “Excuse me who let you in?” “The door was unlocked is Deek here?” “Ma’am you have to leave.” “I want to see my son. I’m dying. I’m dying.” “I have strict instructions not to let you on the premises.” “My son! My baby! My baby son! Someone get him for me! Deek has to be here! I’m dying! I’m almost dead! Tell him I’m sorry! I’M SORRY I LET MY CD COLLECTION TEAR THE FAMILY APART. Oh my, what a strange sensation. Deek! Deek!”
8. “Hello? Is This Heaven? Are you God? What happened, did I die? I was screaming for my son and then everything went black. Wait a second, this doesn’t belong on the list! It doesn’t make sense! Jesus, is that you? My word, you look just like my son Deek. Is there a CD selection here that I could browse?”
9. The Tunnel of Love, Ukraine
Seriously, have you seen this?! It’s so cool! Try to get there before you die.
Rachel Wenitsky is a writer, actor and improviser in NYC. She writes and performs sketch with Gentlemen Party and Pop Roulette at The PIT and she twitters at @rachelwenitsky.