Hey babe, sorry that phone call took longer than I thought. Let’s keep watching The People v. OJ and —

Oh, haha, um sorry I guess I left my laptop open when I went to take that long, silent phone call in the bathroom. OH, and it’s open to my Pinterest account. What do you mean, “What’s that board called ‘just white dresses’ all about?” It’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a Pinterest board of beautiful, expensive, full-length white dresses. You think…ohhh, you think they’re wed– oh, no, no. God no, I’m not ‘like that’.

I can see why you might think I was ‘one of those.’ You see them everywhere nowadays; independent, modern women who, despite their liberal ideologies, still crave a traditional, monogamous marriage arrangement.

wedding dress

Just a random, white dress from my ‘white dress’ Pinterest board.

I mean, marriage does have it’s advantages. I’m not saying I’m one of those girls, I’m just saying I can see the appeal. Our society is structured so that, if you’re in a committed relationship anyway, marriage does make legal and financial sense. Depending on your individual finances, there could be tax benefits for you as a couple after being married. And certainly being recognized as a legal partner has practical long-term effects on your life.


But, no, those are just random white dresses that I’d love to buy and wear one day, nothing more. Same with my ‘expensive ring’ and ‘floral arrangement’ boards. Just non-specific white dresses here. I could wear it anywhere: the doctor, a slow hike, taking out clean garbage, whatever. Maybe I’d wear it, say, when the loved ones of myself and my partner are all gathered in the same place to celebrate our lives. And you know, we provide a meal and drinks to thank them for their love and support of us as individuals and as a pair. That might happen but, ugh, god I’m NOT a — I can’t even say it — “M-word girl.”

I mean, unless…you’d be ok with that? If I was a, you know, ‘marriage girl.’ You would be? What do you mean, “You’re a marriage boy?” Ew, disgusting, get away from me. There’s no such thing as a marriage boy, ugh.

And yeah, I wasn’t on a silent phone call. I was dropping a massive deuce in your toilet. Bye.

Images via ShutterstockThe Knot

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