In these wild, Godless times of televised cross-dressing, gay weddings, mixed couplings, and any other number of sexual depravities, it is vital that our elected officials stay vigilant in steadying the national moral compass. By forbidding local governments from passing anti-discrimination rules to protect gay and transgender people, we legislators of North Carolina are proud to preserve family values.

If a man decides to put on some lipstick, is he then allowed to use the ladies’ restroom? It’s sad that even have to dignify such ridiculousness with an answer. So then, we must put our foot down once and for all and say “no.” No women are allowed to use the men’s room. That’s where we suck each other’s dicks.

This is not an issue of civil rights, but rather an issue of civility. It is simply improper for a female to be allowed access to any men’s room, as they might see the little hole in the wall into which the men insert their penises for anonymous ball-draining. These are our wives and daughters we’re talking about here — there are some things that they just cannot know.

Ladies' rooms always have stuff like this on the counter, whereas men's rooms are no-questions-asked suck dens.

Ladies’ rooms always have stuff like this on the counter, whereas men’s rooms are no-questions-asked suck dens.


There is no question that all any red-blooded American heterosexual male really desires the opportunity is to lurk about the women’s restroom. We are fascinated by their tampon machines and potpourri bowls, and crave only to sit silently alongside them in the stalls as we evacuate our bowels. It is understandable then, that every good, upstanding heterosexual female in this country wants only the same opportunity to hang out in a men’s restroom — naturally, women are curious about our urinals and masculine grunts.

They can’t come in, though. That’s where we blow each other. No girls allowed.

The men’s room is where the heterosexual men of the North Carolina General Assembly use the toilet and give each other sloppy, desperate suck jobs. Like the venerable halls of our state house itself, it’s no place for a person born with female anatomy. Our state is not out of touch, but rather deeply in touch — with our dick tips that is, bobbing in and out of stranger’s mouth through a hole in the wall. That way it’s not gay, and it’s not cheating. We must defend our decency.

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