Is there any aspect of personal professional development more anxiety-inducing than updating your résumé? Never does the 21st-century job candidate feel like a horse up for auction than when submitting their CV for appraisal, being poked and prodded up and down. No matter your industry though, human resources professionals from all sectors agree one thing: nothing adds “Wow!” to a résumé like listing Microsoft Excel under “Skills.”

By taking the time to break out every individual application contained within Microsoft’s Office suite of products (Word, Outlook, etc.) and listing them under the “Skills” section of your résumé, you’re not only padding your résumé with essential fillers that illustrate your mastery of critical business concepts like stalling for time and bullshitting – you’re telling your potential employer “hey: I’m familiar with Microsoft Excel. That’s the spreadsheet program which I have purposefully opened on several occasions, and I’m not afraid who knows it.”

Microsoft Excel is the gold standard of boring business apps, encompassing all the specific dull skills you lack (chart graphing, creating pivot tables, basic multiplication) and couching them in the safe vagueness of a computer thing. With more business stuff having to do with computers today than ever before, listing Microsoft Excel under the “skills” section of your résumé will blow your prospective employer away — maybe even all the way to the 22nd century!

Of course by then any position you’re applying for will have likely been replaced by some sort of algorithm as people such as yourself are left to scavenge the wasteland that once was this country searching for potable drinking water.

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