I should have realized. I thought it was weird when, after I won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, I wasn’t immediately whisked away to a stud farm. I thought I would be slipped a big blue horsey Viagra, escorted to a private stall and there’d be a hot young filly waiting for me to shoot her up with my million dollar seed. But no. No, apparently I have to run ANOTHER race before I can relax and just bone for money.
To say I am bummed would be an understatement. What exactly do those old humans think I’m running for? Glory? Applause? THEM?! Hell no, I’m running because I know the more races I win, the more my junk is worth. And the more my junk is worth, the more those greedy old sacks will let me bone some hot-ass lady horses. And the best part is, those ladies WANT to get knocked up. No rubber for old Nyquist.
But I thought the Kentucky Derby was gonna be the last one — champagne, roses, that lady crying during “My Old Kentucky Home”. It really seemed like this was the race: after this one they were gonna let me trot quietly into the sunset, whip out my massive horse dong and go to town (consensually) on some grade A tail (pun intended).
Then today, I hear them talking about something called “The Preakness” and how my swimmers be worth even more after that. But I don’t want to run another race! I’m tired! I don’t even like running, I just do it for the treats and the chicks. Plus, how much can you really want to make off horse semen? I guess money is money but what do you want your kids to say, ‘Daddy made his millions selling animal cum for profit?’ Bernie’s right, some people are just too rich.
I digress. I supposed I’ll run this little race, and the one after if need be. But then I am DONE. I want a big open pasture, grain for life and a line of sexy female horses who have also earned the right to do nothing but bone forever. And don’t you dare try to do that jerk-off machine nonsense I’ve seen you pull with pigs and cows. I am physically getting it in at least twice a day or I will straight up run away. And I am VERY fast.