Greetings, my fellow Americans. Today, I come to you with a heavy heart. In light of the recent drone strike in Pakistan that accidentally killed two innocent hostages, one of whom was an American, I am here to apologize. In the fog of war, I was under the impression that these unmanned flying pieces of metal had the sensitivity to tell the difference between an American person and a Not-American person.

It is not an excuse, but I was honestly surprised. Science has gotten so good lately, I assumed we were at the point where these airborne, military-grade weapons could tell if the body they’re targeting was born in the United States or not. The drones’ thermal imaging detection is unparalleled. Unfortunately – and I know this now – Americans’ heat blobs look the same as Not-Americans’ heat blobs.

The Terminator was able to tell the difference between John Connor and the T-1000, I truly thought our Defense Department would have gotten our drones to that same place.

I also had no idea that the explosions were going to be so big. When I ordered the drone strike on Pakistan, I trusted our weapons. I was operating under the assumption that our drones shot out fire that didn’t burn American skin. Or that, at least, the fire would have moved out of the way when it saw our Americans and would only hit the bad guys. I know. I was as surprised as you are.

While the families of the two fallen hostages mourn, remember that this is a sad day for me too. I feel betrayed by the very objects I sought to protect us. If you can’t trust non-partisan mechanized robots, who can you trust?

We must come to terms with the fact that deaths are a tragic side-effect of every time I order a giant robot missile to set fire to a big area with people in it. Please know I offer the deepest apologies, and that I sincerely had no idea these drones that were built for killing people were going to kill people. I have learned my lesson. The United States will continue to kill innocent civilians, just not OUR innocent civilians.

Moving forward, I will exercise more sound judgment as your Commander in Chief. Let us hope that these two people will be the only people to ever die from a drone attack.

God Bless America,

Barack Obama

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.