To the Senate Republicans:
You, uh, may have heard that today at 11am, I announced Merrick Garland as my nominee to the Supreme Court. Here is a brief bio: Merrick Garland was his high school valedictorian. He graduated Harvard as valedictorian. He graduated Harvard law magna cum laude. Then he prosecuted the Oklahoma City bombers and the Unabomber. To recap, I nominated a genius, white, male, prosecutor-of-terrorists to the Supreme Court.
It’s, uh, your move, Senate Republicans.
But, wait. First, I want you to look to your left – you might notice your usual coterie of racist supporters are missing. Because Merrick Garland is white. Now look right – the misogynists are tucking their tails between their legs and skittering back to wheresoever they dwell. Because Merrick Garland is man.
In addition to being a white man, his name is Merrick Garland. He sounds like an anonymous Southern Senator Frank Underwood references on House of Cards. So all the groups that you typically wink at for support and then disavow? They can’t help you here. You’re alone, GOP Senators.
Check and, uh, mate.
Maybe you think Donald Trump or Ted Cruz will come out swinging against Garland, a Jewish guy who helped put Timothy McVeigh behind bars? That will be a helpful sound bite for the Cruz campaign: “I love Israel more than my kids but don’t put a terrorist-fighting Jew on the Supreme Court.” Actually that, uh, doesn’t sound so good, does it?
No, it certainly feels as though I’ve, uh, gotcha. Now I have no doubt you’ll fight this nomination tooth and nail. But you can’t fight him. You can only argue on the basis that I shouldn’t nominate anyone. And on those grounds I’ve got a secret weapon: the Constitution. It’s pretty explicit that I get to nominate a Supreme Court justice as long as I’m President. Which I am. Me. Barack Obama. The President.
So go ahead, fight me on this. Prove to America that, uh, the Republicans are the source of all Washington gridlock. Any conservative-leaning independent with half a brain will finally see that you for the heel-dragging, maneuvering children you are.
Come at me. But do not forget who I am. I’m a political genius who looks great in a bathing suit and is still very much your President. So go ahead, object to the overly qualified white guy named Merrick.
I dare you.
President Barack Obama