On Thursday morning, President Obama and second-place Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders met privately at the Oval Office to discuss party unity and whether he will back Hillary Clinton in the general election.
While Obama says he will not meet Sanders’ demands to unseat Barney Frank and Dan Malloy from the DNC, his administration says it would be happy to sweeten the deal with a box of Honey Maid graham crackers.
“Income inequality is the cornerstone of my platform and I will keep fighting for it,” said Sanders, “but Honey Maid graham crackers are a classic that I come back to time and time again. Me and Jane usually by the generic brand from the Shaw’s by us, but I’m looking forward to some name brand graham crackers.”
“My digestion has gotten very bad, so this is tremendous,” he added. “These old pipes need simple, agreeable starch. Of course, it has to be tasty, and that’s where the honey comes in.”
However, the graham crackers weren’t the only demand the Vermont senator made.
“If the Democrats are serious about moving forward with a progressive agenda, they will provide Rolaids as well—and not the fruity kind, I’m talking original, white Rolaids. I would also like to reiterate that Tums would be completely unacceptable and I would notice. Anything less than original Rolaids would be an irresponsible disregard for my digestive tract.”
Additionally, he asked for a can of green olives, Smuckers jelly beans, and “the number of a good seamstress.” Once the meeting had concluded, Sanders reportedly asked Obama if there was a secretary around that could print out MapQuest directions to his meeting later that afternoon with Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid.