My Fellow Americans,

Good afternoon. I want to address the backlash over my choice to visit Detroit today but not Flint, despite Flint being a mere 10 minute helicopter ride from Detroit. The rationale here is simple: I’m the President. I can’t be exposed to poison water. I can’t be photographed holding glasses of brown H2O. It would telegraph the weakness of our infrastructure to nations like China and Iran. Plus, what if it drips on my suit and then, what, I’m just in that suit all day? Come on, people. I can’t be around tainted water. I’m important. If someone from Flint gets sick, who cares. If I get sick, it matters. I am not going.

Look, I’m going to Detroit for the autoshow. Today isn’t about how criminally bad decision-making resulted in the the poisoning of an entire American city.  Today is about cool, cool cars like the new Mercedes-Benz E-Class – it has remote parking! You can park it while standing outside the car! Our now-thriving auto-industry has created so many cool new cars for Russian oligarchs to buy their mistresses and that’s a positive for all Americans. Well, I guess it’s not great for Flint, a city that grew up around and was subsequently abandoned by GM. Ew, no, bad gross. Shiny trucks go vroom, ok? That is today’s agenda.

There is also an issue of timing. The only substantial block of free time in my schedule is during lunch. And, yes, I could technically eat my lunch on a short helicopter ride to Flint. But YOU try telling Franz, my personal chef de cuisine, he’s gotta box up that beautiful wild salmon and farro salad he’s already got plated. Franz is brilliant but very temperamental. He once threw a piece of broccoli at Malia when he caught her feeding the dog from the table. Get real, guys, I’m not messing with Franz.

Plus, what good could a visit to Flint even do? My visit would just bring more attention and awareness to the situation. I’d just give the people of Flint, who have been horribly betrayed by their elected officials, the sense that they are heard and cared for at the highest levels of government. I could assure the people of Flint, who have had literally all their children poisoned by bad water, that we’re working on a solution and –

Oh. Hm. Yeah, I hear it. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooo ok, fire up Marine One. And someone grab me a spare suit. I’m not walking around in a poison water-covered suit all day.

When are elections again? I hate this.

Your President,

Barack Obama

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