Nation: Serving you as has been both an honor and privilege. While the challenges ahead are great and many, I believe that the accomplishments of the last eight years outnumber the failures, and in the wake of my presidency the United States will continue to be a resilient, prosperous leader of free nations. With my days in office quickly coming to an end, it only seems appropriate that I take a moment to reflect on what has been the most rewarding part of serving as your leader: commanding an army of robots with the awesome power of killing from the air.
Many great men who served before me had grown tired of the presidency by the end of their terms, and had longed to return to civilian life. John Adams famously stated “No man who ever held the office of president would congratulate a friend on obtaining it.” However, it is worth considering that none of these men possessed the sublime power of sending sky-robots to faraway places to kill – for if they had, they would have clung to the position like large, ridiculous children.
It has been said that the ultimate power is knowledge or beauty or love. As someone who has possessed and exerted power in its many forms, I assure you this is not the case. There is no power that approaches possessing a multitude of deadly robots capable of hovering majestically to strange, foreign lands, and killing your many enemies (and sometimes some other people too – sorry!)
To whoever follows in my footsteps, I both pity and envy your position: pity because the presidency is a frequently tireless and often thankless, and envy because as time progresses, our robot army is bound to grow even deadlier and more numerous – their lethal and destructive capacities even more varied and spectacular, their already quiet hums even quieter.
It is the great regret of my life that I will inevitably have to pass along these most prized air robots – many of which I have named and petted – to an undeserving successor. My greatest wish is that you treat these robots kindly, and that if you ever catch me in their hangar late at night, weeping gently while saddled atop one, that you show mercy – for someday you’ll understand my sorrow.
Adam D‘Arpino is a comedy writer and video producer living in Brooklyn, because of course he is. He tweets jokes for his dad @AdamDArpino.