How could you even ask me that on my birthday? Obviously I’m a skinny girl, it says so right on my wine bottle. Nothing says “has it all together” like being skinny, and nothing says “I’m skinny” like drinking Skinnygirl brand wines and pre-mixed cocktails, duh. I brought this bottle of low-calorie California red here in my purse, and no, I don’t need a glass.

A lot of people think that drinking Splenda wine is disgusting, but they’re just haters because they’re fat from all the regular-calorie flavored vodkas and berrywines they drink. Not me. With Skinnygirl, I can drink and drink and drink and it doesn’t even matter because here’s the secret: no calories means skinny, and skinny means healthy. Sometimes I get so healthy that I have to call out of work, and they’re such fuckers about it — but honestly? They’re probably also just jealous of my how much I can drink and how rocking my body is. Do you like what you see? Haha ew, JK I’m not a lesbian.

The only bad thing is that most bars don’t serve Skinnygirl drinks so I have bring my own from home. Literally all the guys at the liquor store near my apartment call me “the skinny girl girl” because I’m in there buying Skinnygirl almost every night, and some mornings too. Where do I live? Hmm, nice try.

Honestly though just because you’re a police officer and you saw me pissing on someone’s car you don’t have the right to ask me personal questions, especially on my birthday. I told you I don’t have an ID, I’m a skinny girl. It says so right on my wine bottle.

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