Sugarcube may be a horse, but that doesn’t make her an animal. Bred from greatness, she’s been waiting to step into the horseshoes of her Olympic father, Mane Pony Boy, ever since she could carry a jockey. Raised in the idyllic fields of France, Sugarcube is considered most elegant creature on four legs excluding a few very nice tables. And although she is the gift horse the world is looking in the mouth, she is also a horse that gets a little turned on being spanked with a global audience.

“It’s not something you expect, but it’s not something you can’t understand either,” commented her jockey, Clyde Dale, technically a professional horse spanker. “Imagine you’re naked, except for shoes, preforming stunts for every nation on the planet. Everyone is looking at you and cheering you on when all of a sudden the person straddling you gives your rump and quick whipping,” continued Clyde while herding Sugarcube into a cold shower. “Look I’m not saying I’d love it, but you put me in that situation, I’m going to find something I like about it.”


“What a horse does in the privacy of their stable is their own business, but this is the Olympics, and no one is allowed to be turned on here,” reported Lonny Man, who accidently saw the equestrian event played in a local Buffalo Wild Wings. He asked, “What if my son had watched that? How am I supposed to explain the sexual complexities of a horse to him?” to which his son has since replied, “Please do not try to explain the sexual complexities of a horse to me dad. Please.”

When reached for a comment on her experience, Sugarcube’s long face flushed red as she relived the event. “Have you ever been on horse tranquilizers? Well I have, and I can tell you they ain’t nothing compared to some good ass play, live on network TV. Now I hate to be a high horse, but if you can’t understand that, you’ll never be an Olympic athlete. You’ve got to be willing to give your all to this if you want the gold, and part of that getting a little turned. You think Michael Phelps doesn’t chub up just seeing the color gold?” she lamented, smoking a cigarette to take the edge off. “When you get down to it, I guess this horse is just a little wild. You decide whether or not to get dragged away with it.”

Luke Strickler is a writer in New York City and a person everywhere else. He’s head of gags at Boys Night Videos and has written for everywhere that lets him. @Luke_Strickler.

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