Dear Sirs and Madams of Hat World Inc., owners of the popular shopping mall hat-store Lids:
I have been patient. I have spoken with your employees in person. I have spoken with mall security. I have spoken with regional sales managers on the telephone. Now, I am forced to write you an open letter on the internet, plainly stating the following: if you do not stop selling backwards baseball caps to my son I will be forced to get the authorities involved.
It did not have to come to this, but you have given me no other choice. As you well know, backwards baseball caps have dangerously negative associations for young people, including but not limited to street graffiti, hippie think, rock music attitude, breakdance culture, disrespect for youth pastors, “the cigarette try’ems”, schoolwork neglect, pant sag, assertiveness (bold child), and chore stoppage.
I don’t know if Lids even sells frontwards-style sport hats, but after the disrespect you have dealt upon me and my family, I don’t even want to know. By selling backwards hats to the teens of our community you are jeopardizing our children’s future in the name of a quick buck, and it makes me downright sick. On two separate occasions now, I have specifically instructed you to not sell my child a backwards hat. On two separate occasions you have defied me. This letter is a gesture to forestall any chance at a third occasion. I shall recount them for the public benefit now.
INCIDENT THE FIRST: It was last fall while back-to-school shopping with my eldest son Joby that I first visited your establishment at the Pheasantdale Mall, the one near the Smokey Load Sausage kiosk. I thought the whole operation looked a little iffy and that “Lids” sounded like a drugs word, but as Joby was 17-years-old I (foolishly) thought that perhaps it was time I allow him to safely experiment with hats. I gave Joby $35.00 and told him that as he had behaved himself that day, he could select a sports hat of his choosing while I perused holiday sausage gift sets at the Smokey Load kiosk. I then privately gave a Lids employee $5 to ensure that Joby not purchase a backwards kind of hat.
When Joby approached me 30 minutes later at Posters Plus, he was wearing a backwards hat. I charged back into the store to demand an exchange, but I was laughed at, and the employee whom I had given $5 to was not working there. Additionally, I could not remember the employee’s name, and no one would help me remember. Is this how you run a business? Needless to say that particular hat was thrown away, but I guess some lessons need to be taught again and again.
INCIDENT THE SECOND (a.k.a. the straw that broke the parent’s back): Unbeknownst to me, my husband’s sister gave Joby a gift coin for Lids as a present for his birthday. (I only found the coin because I was inspecting his backpack for forbidden musics. It’s a good thing I did.) After getting in a heated yelling match with the now 19-year-old Joby, I folded and allowed him to use the gift coin at your store so long as he present a handwritten note from me at checkout which explained that the coin was not to be used for the purchase of a backwards-style hat. That was yesterday. Lo and behold, this morning I find a backwards hat in his backpack just before sitting down to write this letter.
Stop selling backwards hats to my son this instant. I refuse to let Joby fall into a lifestyle of shrugging and sass-mouth at your hands. I hope this letter illustrates just how serious I am about this matter. If you do not reply within five business days, I will be forced to contact the police and tell them about the bad-boy paraphernalia store operating at the mall. The sports ball is in your court.
Literally flipping my lid,
A Concerned Parent