Even though the Zika virus is threatening to ravage the Miami-Dade metropolitan area, that doesn’t mean Miami residents can’t still have a good time, right? Local health officials have introduced a new Zika vaccine available to anybody young, wild, and free enough to take it as a bodyshot off of one of the city’s hundreds of thousands of hot co-eds.

Scientists across the world have struggled to develop an effective Zika vaccine, and there’s no guarantee that Miami’s new vaccination initiative will properly inoculate its community. There is a guarantee, however, that all residents will rage their fucking faces off in the process.

“In all my years as a registered nurse, I’ve never worked in an atmosphere quite like this,” said 63-year-old Meredith Tipton while placing a needle, shot glass and line of salt onto a young woman’s midriff. “But I’ve got to tell you – this totally beats giving out flu shots at CVS. Nobody gets laid there.”

Tipton then tore open her scrubs and invited a young man to “do a vaccine bodyshot straight off [her] tits.”

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