In a defiant rebuff of presumed GOP nominee Donald Trump, House speaker Paul Ryan this week announced that he was “not ready” to endorse the controversial candidate for president. “Conservatives want to know: Does Trump share our values and our principles on limited government, the proper role of the executive, adherence to the Constitution?” Ryan asked, cracking open a Muscle Milk and drinking the whole bottle as fast as possible. “I mean, bro, the guy doesn’t even lift.”

Ryan then wiped down his station before moving to the squat rack, where he continued to lift. “I’ve never even seen this guy drink a Gatorade, let alone work his abs or isolate his quadriceps for total body transformation. Hoo-yeah!”


Ryan: “Bro, Trump WISHES he could do reps like me. He WISHES.”


The speaker’s refusal to support his party’s candidate has only deepened the rift that Trump has caused in the Republican party over the past year. In response, Trump is now threatening to block Ryan’s from serving as RNC chairman at the convention in July.

“Bro, like I even care” grunts Ryan, dominating the hack squat machine as he shreds his thighs. “I’ll just arm-wrestle him for it. Dude wouldn’t last a second in my world.”

For now, Republican party leaders agree on one thing, at least: an arm-wrestling match between Ryan and Trump would be sick.

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