On Monday, we at the American Academy of Pediatrics released a report advising pregnant women against consuming any amount of alcohol. Conventional wisdom previously held that pregnant women should limit their consumption to 1-2 drinks per week, after the first trimester. We now understand that even a sip of alcohol during pregnancy would deplete the booze stash you will desperately need once you have a child.

Studies have shown that when a pregnant woman consumes even a small amount of alcohol, she has less alcohol when the child is born and she really needs it. Additionally, drinking during the first trimester means that she’s probably going to be dipping into her wine collection for a full nine months, which can do a tremendous amount of damage to the total volume of wine she possesses. This has a direct impact on how much wine she’s able to consume.


Classic symptoms of a post-natal woman without enough alcohol in her bloodstream.

Unfortunately, there is a lack of widely accepted diagnostic criteria for predicting exactly how much a mother will have to drink once she starts socializing exclusively with a selfish, shitting, crying human being, says Dr. Janet Pamphlet, a lead researcher of the new report.

messy child

Ugh. I mean, you might as well both be sloppy. Jesus.

“Babies are pleasant about 10% of the time. The other 90% is excruciating. That ratio tends to shift over time, but, really, until a child is grown up and out of college…it’s a fucking nightmare. And to get through that nightmare, you need unlimited access to bottles and bottles and bottles and bottles of alcohol.”

screaming baby

This sound is so terrible but it’s 25% less terrible with half a martini in you.

The most recent study found that a lack of post-natal alcohol exposure is a leading cause of freaking out, losing your shit, pulling out your hair, asking God why you made this decision just because your sister said “You’re not getting any younger,” sitting through soccer games sober, sitting through piano recitals sober, looking at terrible crayon drawings sober, and not being able to wind down after Phillip finally goes to bed.

“Research suggests that the best choice for pregnant women is just to abstain from alcohol completely,” said Dr. Pamphlet. “That way, when it’s 7 p.m. and they’re watching Bob The Builder for the four hundredth time, they can really drench that experience in a nice malbec.”


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