Here at the Department of Defense, we must prepare for all contingencies. And though current data indicates that he is behind in the polls, we must be thoroughly equipped to handle the reality of a Donald Trump presidency.
Our intel indicates that Mr. Trump will find himself quite unable to refrain from hitting a large red shiny button to which he constitutionally has the right to press. Furthermore, the fact that all rational staffers, media members, and citizens will be actively pleading with him not to press the button will, in all likelihood, make the pressing of that sweet, sweet, round button all the more tantalizing.
As such, we have placed several hundred decoy buttons all over the White House, thereby affording Mr. Trump the satisfaction of pressing them to his heart’s content. Meanwhile, the real button, which launches actual nuclear weapons with the ability to level entire cities, will be held at a location to which Mr. Trump would never go. (It’s nailed to a tree at a public golf course.)
I have a three-year old daughter. To keep her occupied on long car rides, I gave her a toy steering wheel that lets her think she’s driving. It’s harmless fun, and she seems to really enjoy it. We believe the same principle will apply to the simple and cost-effective Operation: Decoy Button, which should keep Mr. Trump busy for the length of at least his first term in office.
Look, America, the D.O.D. understands better than anyone the importance of maintaining a fully-operational nuclear arsenal. We simply view a nuclear attack of any magnitude to be an absolute last resort, and not a plaything about which a sitting president should express frustration that he cannot use.