Like many young Americans with an active social life, I was unable to watch the premiere of Beyoncé’s latest visual album Lemonade as it aired live on HBO this past Saturday night. I usually think Beyoncé is pretty okay though, and I love having my finger on the pulse of popular culture, so first thing Sunday morning I signed up for premium streaming service Tidal for a Lemonade listen. I put my headphones on, filled myself a big jar of warm urine to sip on, and pressed play.
What I heard was honestly so lousy that I nearly spat out a mouthful of the delicious piss that I was drinking from a jar as I listened.
The new Beyoncé album is very bad, guys. Where are the hits? Where are the dance-floor fillers? Where are the songs that speak to my experiences as a cis white male that drinks urine for flavor and pleasure? Sorry Beyoncé, but Lemonade is no Beyoncé.
Also, I’m just saying if you’re going to name your album “Lemonade,” there should at least be SOME songs about piss — both in reference to the famous “milk, milk” rhyme of old, and the fact that nothing makes me personally have to refill my own piss jar like an ice cold glass of citrus sunshine, a.k.a. lemonade the drink.
I downloaded (and wasted money on) Tidal for this? Newsflash, Beyoncé: the only “premium streaming service” I crave is a fresh stream of urine slowly filling my sipping jar to the brim. The only “tidal” thing I need is a tremendous wave of my own cloudy piss crashing over my body as I struggle to keep afloat, accidentally swallowing a whole bunch of it, and loving every second of it — unlike Beyoncé’s Lemonade, which I straight-up hated.
Beyoncé should really do another song with Coldplay if she doesn’t want to lose every one of her fans like me.