Is that spaghetti in the clothes hamper? That marker on the walls better not be permanent! Didn’t I tell you to pick up those Legos?

Pope Francis, when you’re raising twins as a single father, trouble isn’t the only thing there’s double of. There’s also two times the mess! I’m a 44 year-old single father trying to raise two nine year old boys on a supermarket manager’s salary. After a long day of work, making dinner, making sure the boys have their homework done, and preparing lunch for the next day, I just don’t have the time to clean! Please, Pope Francis, I beg of you: bless this mess.

The messes my boys leave behind are my greatest shame, and our sin to bear as a family. No son of God would have died for a mess like those the twins make. Bless this mess and gift unto us the salvation we so badly need. Amen.

Another bad mess in need of your blessing is my body.

Me, since she left.


Pope Francis, ever since the boys’ mother left, my body has really gone to shit. I’ve gained sixty pounds, easy, mostly from eating Papa John’s for dinner too frequently and the fact that even though I’m on my feet all day at work, standing isn’t exercise. I’d like to bring home healthy groceries from my job at the supermarket, but when you work at the supermarket you have to have a different employee ring you up to make sure you’re not stealing, and by the time my shift is done all the cashiers have closed out their drawers for the end of the night. I’m not going to buy groceries in the middle of my shift because even though there’s an employee refrigerator, its only for employees lunches and can’t fit all the groceries I would want to buy that require refrigeration.

Please, Pope Francis! My body is a sin. I’m fat trash, your holiness, and only your absolution can lift my spirit from this beefy cage. Bless this mess. Amen.

dirty-dishes-1

We can’t afford a maid, your Holiness.

One last mess, Pope Francis: my finances. Oh brother, don’t get me started on my money problems- especially at this time of year! For example, I tried to explain to my sons that we just don’t have the money for brand-name school supplies, but when I brought home generic crayons they called them “crapons” and put them in the garbage disposal. So not only did I have to buy new, expensive Crayola crayons, I also had to pay for a man to come fix the garbage disposal (I’d have done it myself, but Pope Francis, I just don’t have the time!). Christmas is coming soon and my boys are already warning me that they’d better not get “gypped” like last year. Francis, I ask them nicely to not use hate language and to be appreciative of what meager gifts I can offer them as a single father drowning in debt, but they only scream and break the toys they do have!

My sons have behavioral issues, yes, but I suspect these are largely the result of living in an unblessed mess of my own creation. Though I hope that God knows I am sorry, only your Holiness can help my pitiful family. Please, Pope Francis: unburden us three. Grant us your grace, and unshackle us from sin. Bless this mess, and everything will be better. Amen.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.