Ladies and gentlemen of the media, Associated Press, and tenants of my apartment building:

Hello everyone, and thank you for coming out today. I called this press conference today to address the elephant in the room. Yes, I control the heat in your New York apartment and yes, I am not going to relinquish that control. I have heard the complaints. It’s like the surface of the sun when it is on; it’s like the planet Hoth when it is off; I work nights and sleep during the day so the schedule for the heat being on is erratic in order to match my wants and needs. The list goes on and on. And I want to say: I hear all of your complaints, and I am going to choose to not listen to them.

When you chose me as your elected landlord by signing your lease, you gave me full rights to control your heat fate. Well, not legally. I mean, yes legally, I am supposed to provide heat, but how I provide it is up to my discretion. And my discretion is to have a crazy old timey system of steam-based heat that goes off and on at random intervals throughout the day so that you are either wearing a sweater and two coats indoors OR scratching your now dried out skin as you lie butt naked on top of your sheets in the middle of the night. It’s just logical.

Look if you have a problem with the heater, just turn that little knob on the side all the way off like I told you. And yes, I have heard the complaints that even when you turn it all the way off it still pumps out insane amounts of Sahara Desert-level dry heat. And yes, I have heard the complaints that some of those knobs are so old and rusted tight that you would need a pneumatic wrench to move it a centimeter. And to that I say, “Look if you have a problem with the heater just turn that little knob on the side all the way off like I told you.” And when you point out that I already told you that, I will swear that I will run down to Home Depot and get the 5 dollar part that would fix it permanently but that only I know how to put on. And then never do that. That is my promise to you.

Look what I am saying is we are all working together here to find a solution that works for everyone. But if I am being honest here, maybe some of the blame should be placed back on all of you. There is only so much I can do as the person who is completely in control of the situation. If you are feeling dried out from the archaic system I have set up, put some glasses of water on top of your heater. This makeshift humidifier system works as a great placebo. It doesn’t work at all, but you will think it does AND ruin a bunch of your glasses in the process. Or maybe you should grow up and buy yourself an actual humidifier. If you leave it cranked up at full blast, 24 hours a day, you will reduce your “I’m Uncomfortable” level by at least 1%.

We can work together here. I would like to continue serving as your landlord, and I would like you to continue to be uncomfortable in your own apartment. Now if you will all excuse me, I have to go back to my apartment and come up with a list of ways to yell at you for how loud your music is. Thank you for your time and goodnight.

Geoff Garlock is a writer in NYC who teaches sketch comedy at the UCB. You can sample his wares at UCB’s monthly show, “Night Late” or @GGarlock.

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