Let me start off by saying, I’m not a Nick Jonas fan. I’ve never liked anything he’s done and, because I identify 100% as a heterosexual male, I have never found him appealing, sexually. But apparently he has a new album out and people keep telling me I just have to listen to that one song “Chains,” so I’m gonna give his single a listen and review it live:

0:13 Wait is this the right song? Yeah I just checked, it is. Wow, okay. Because this song is um… it’s good. And in a kind of sexy way. Or, objectively, other people might find this sexy.

0:38 You’re sure? Like Nick Jonas? From the Jonas brothers? Okay. Because this feels different. In a more sensual way. Which is weird. Because I’ve just, historically, always dated and been attracted to women.

1:07 Holy shit.

1:50 Sorry I had to grab a glass of water. This is kind of… taking me by surprise. But, just, this song. Mamma mia. I’m just gonna come out and say it… this song has made me a Nick Jonas fan.

2:00 Just looked up photos of Nick Jonas. Wow. You know the ones I’m talking about, the underwear ones. This song paired with those pictures, holy hell.

2:07 I wouldn’t care if I was gay! My roommate for 3 years was a gay guy, I moved in with him knowing he was gay. And I took a bunch of gender studies courses in college so I believe wholeheartedly that sexuality is a spectrum. It’s just… I was so sure of my orientation up until now. God this song.

2:15 It’s just a song, Michael. Just one song. Remember that. God I want to have sex to this song. But not with a woman. With Nick Jonas. Just Nick Jonas.

2:20 I’ve never felt this way about a man, ever. Hell, I’ve never felt this way about a woman. It doesn’t even feel like a sexual preference, it’s more of a sexual necessity. I’m… I’m sorry I need to pause this for a second.

2:22 Okay I’m back and listening again. I’m so confused. My whole identity is just… gone. I had such a strong sense of who I was, and then you came along. Nicky. With this song. Nicky, can I call you that? Would you mind? Would you even notice? Are you reading this? Probably not. Oh God. It feels so strange to hear these sweet nothings coming out of my used-to-be-100%-straight mouth. But all I want to do right now is have sex with Nick Jonas, listening to this Nick Jonas song, looking at those underwear photos of Nick Jonas.


3:22 I just called my two ex-girlfriends and told them about me and this Nick Jonas thing. They were confused, of course. But that’s to be expected. This is who I am now. Because, Nicky… you’ve got me in chains. And I’ve tried to break the chains but the chains have only broken me-

3:23 Oh. It’s over. Wow. That was… intense. Okay, um… I’m gonna take a lukewarm shower and think about things.

Final rating: 100 out of 5 stars.

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