With the recent spate of tourists and athletes getting mugged all around Rio, it’s important for you to know how to handle yourself in these rare, but dangerous, situations. In the unlikely event that you find yourself the target of a mugging, follow the following steps:

1. Do Not Panic
Hand over your wallet, phone, jewelry and other possessions peacefully. This will reduce the risk of violence immeasurably. Plus, you’ll be getting all this stuff back real soon. Keep reading.


2. Find Someone With Approximately The Same Amount Of Money
It’s important not to “mug up” or “mug down.” You want to make sure that you’re merely replacing the amount that was taken from you fairly.

3. Now Mug
We recommend posing as a police officer or local tour guide, so your mark is not on the defensive. Lure them in with promises of help, and then bam — steal all their stuff.

Pro-tip: a well-placed multilingual threat of murder will expedite the process 90% of the time!

4. Explore This Beautiful City
Now that you have your money back, take advantage of all Rio has to offer! However, since mugging is rampant in most beautiful international cities, you should probably expect it to happen again, whether during the 2016 Olympics or any future trip you take.

So when you find yourself being mugged once more, just repeat these steps all over again!

David Ingber is the managing editor of Above Average and The Kicker. He loves ping-pong, poker, and crossword puzzles. And dogs. And the Red Sox. And TV. But that’s it. His twitter is @davidingber1

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.