During Tuesday’s Supreme Court hearings on marriage equality, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg met gay marriage opponents with thoughtful rhetoric and eloquence. After an exhaustive two days of responding patiently to these “Marriage Rights” activists and lawyer John Bursch, it was around 3pm on Thursday when she decided to, quote, “Take matters into my own fists.”
Ginsburg told the press, “I’ve spent 22 years trying to talk to these idiots using logic and reason. It’ll just be faster this way.”
Ginsburg says she only regrets not making things physical sooner: “If you recall, back in 2000, I wrote a harshly-worded letter of dissent regarding the Florida recount in the Bush v. Gore election. Unfortunately, that did not work. You know what would have worked? Ripping out his stomach. You can’t be president without a stomach.”
According to the stenographer, Ginsburg warned Antonin Scalia to “Look away, honey,” as she proceeded to launch herself out of the bench, mount a lawyer’s shoulders, and slice him clean down the middle with her hair pin. “Her size, ironically, was an advantage,” noted Justice Sonia Sotomayor, a witness to the bloodbath.
While being led off by Washington DC police in handcuffs, Justice Ginsburg did have one final statement: “These homophobes got what was coming to them. By which I mean a white-hot, messy disembowelment.”